Cutlery or Clippery

This Sunday I heard a familiar ringing coming from the street. Could it be- the ice cream man? Um... it's 20 degrees outside plus I live in a walk up- I'll never make it down in time to buy my Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake. I climb over my couch to get a look and what do I see? The knife sharpening truck!!!! I haven't seen one of those in years! My mom actually used to bring out her knives to have them sharpened by the man in the truck. Now I ask you who is the ad wizard who came up with this idea? Let's get a truck paint it silver- strip it down and sharpen knives. Then we'll drive through random neighborhoods and ring our little bell- the more annoying the better- and ask people to bring out their knives and have them sharpened in a sketchy truck that used to be used to ferret immigrants across the border. Seriously, so weird. Now why don't they have a laundry truck, an egg beating truck, a haircutting truck, or maybe even a toe clipping truck- because Lord knows people have been doing that in public anyway! Did anybody else have a knife sharpening truck in their neighborhood?
--S



AM I WRONG ABOUT THE SKETCH FACTOR?

CAN I HELP YOU?

We've all been there. It's rush hour. You jam yourself into a packed
subway. You hold your breath and will the doors to close and they do.
Everyone is packed in like sardines. You pray for the train to start
moving already and to hurry up and get you to your destination so you
can breathe again like a person.

And then it happens. It is subtle at first and you are not sure if it
is really happening. But there it is again. Someone is touching you.
Your leg, your back, your shoulder, your butt. Someone is leaning
into you with something hard. You start to feel sick. You want to
look around and see who is doing this to you. You want to yell and
scream. But you are paralyzed. You can hardly move as it is. It is
crowded....is this person actually leaning into you or are they just
close because it is a crowded train?


MY DAILY TRIP TO WORK


At a certain point you realize it is certainly intentional. What to
do? I have been taking the subways and buses for 4 years and I would
say this happens to me in some shape or form about every other month.
I was once on a train and a woman started screaming 'Get the F off me
MotherF'er!' Screaming. And the guy moved away from her, looked
ashamed, and we all gave him dirty looks. Well this woman became my
new idol.

I am sad to say that I have only been able to emulate her behavior on
one occasion. A guy was touching me and I started screaming 'Get off
of me!!!' repeatedly. It totally worked. The guy was about 60 and
wearing a suit, carrying a briefcase. So sick. Someone's husband,
someone's father and grandfather. A sick coward who cops a feel on
crowded subways.

Lately I have resorted to trying to move away from the fondler. If
its not possible to move I turn my body and use my arms as a barrier
between me and the offender.

The last time this happened to me (about 2 months ago) I moved from
one fondler only to have found myself next to another one. Imagine, 2
in the same car! Unbelievable.



SEARCHING FOR INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHERS

Ahh, just a small price to pay for living in the greatest city on earth.....:)

--A

WEIRY OF PLAGIARISM

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!
http://suntimes.com/output/nance/cst-cont-weir19.html

OLYMPIC RUMINATIONS

I have a new addiction. It's somewhat healthy but definitely obsessive. I am addicted to the Olympics. It's not really new because during Salt Lake I forgot that I was a senior in college and had a thesis to write. Maybe the Olympics will be my new excuse for why I only got a B on my college thesis- not the fact that I had no guidance and had to do an independent study in order to write it. Oh and the fact that my non-advisor never showed up for her appointments with me and when she did she smoked in my face and I couldn't hear her because I was having a coughing fit. P.S. There was a huge NO SMOKING sign right outside the door to her office. I mean who smokes when you have college students in your office?? By the by this woman went on to publish a book about breasts!!! Wow- that was a tangential rant! Anyway- since the Olympics started I run home after work to catch curling and ice hockey on the USA network. Then at 8pm I turn on NBC and hunker down for a few hours of sheer bliss. I was watching the new Snowboard Cross- which is now my absolute favorite sport- in my room last night. Across from my bed I have some mirrors on the wall (not my choice- they were there when I moved in) and at one point I looked up in the mirror. I have never noticed the facial expressions I make when watching TV. When somebody fell my mouth was agape and when the favorites win I have a huge smile on my face. I never noticed that before. How weird?
But really, what's not to love about the Olympics? They are fun to watch when someone wins and so much fun to watch when somebody wrecks or utterly fails at their sport e.g. the Bulgarian male figure skater. He fell on every single jump he made last night. I felt bad but it was so much fun to watch.
My other Olympic observation is that the male athletes are SUPER CUTE. Are they really? or are they just so appealing because they are athletes? I don't know but Seth Wescott and Evan Lysacek- I hope you read my blog. Oh and one more thing- I wish the commentators would stop beating around the bush. Johnny Weir is gay. Stop saying he is so comfortable in his own skin, he doesn't care what people think, he likes to wear Gucci and Balenciaga, and his favorite singer is Christina Aguilera. Just come out and say it- HE IS GAY!!!
S


EVAN LYSACEK


SETH WESCOTT

Blizzard or fribble?

More Blizzard pics for those in warm weather climates.

You say Turin, I say Torino

If you've been watching the Winter Olympics, you've probably noticed a major white-out and I'm not talking snow. Where have all the minorities gone? The US ski team is white as snow. I wonder if this will change in years to come? I hope it does.

In other Olympic news, Michelle Kwan has dropped out due to a groin injury (ouch) and has made room for Emily Hughes. A nice Jewish girl from Great Neck! We're rooting for you Emily!! Bring home the gold baby and make all the yiddin proud!!!

Winter Wonderland

I grew up in New York so you would think that snow wouldn't fascinate and excite me. But it does. I LOVE SNOW!! It is so beautiful and so much fun. It started snowing here yesterday evening and is still snowing now at 2:00 pm on Sunday.
This is the first big snow of this year and let me tell you it is AMAZING! It's perfect for sitting on the couch and watching the Olympics and wondering why my parents never pushed me in a sport that had Olympic potential. The weird thing about this blizzard is that I was awakened by a loud rumbling. I thought maybe it was a plow or the wind but then it kept coming and it was a rolling sound. I just rolled over and tried to ignore it. But then I was awakened again by a flashing light. It was thundering and lightning. Never in my 25 years of life have I witnessed a thunderstorm during a blizzard. Very strange. I went out to take pictures at 9:45 before the snow was polluted with dirt and dog urine. Life Lesson #56- Do not eat yellow snow.
I got to really play in the snow by going sledding- or in my case "coating" down a hill in Riverside Park. We didn't really have sled so we made do. Who woulda thunk that a plastic table cloth might actually function as a sled. It didn't really. So I ended up going the whole way down with my coat as my sled. Worked pretty well. I must say.
So I have posted some pics from my neighborhood below.

S


MY PERFECT SNOW ANGEL




LITTLE DOGGY FOOTPRINTS




PRETTY SNOW COVERED TREES



SLEDDING IN RIVERSIDE PARK

A Date to DIVE for

A while back, I got a phone call from a good friend:

Hello?

Hi How are you?

I'm good how are you?

Good--Listen--I want to set you up with someone is that OK?

Really--do tell

He is modern, tall, cute, smart, a lawyer, went to an Ivy League school, he is 30 or 31

Really? And he's not taken?

No! Should I set it up?

Definitely!

This is the beginning of the end...For we all know that the perfect man does not exist. I get a phone call a few days later. The conversation goes well. We set up a date for Tuesday night. He says he will call me a couple days before to confirm.

But...He doesn't call. I consult with a male co-worker who says he always calls to confirm when HE has a date, and that this guy is being shady. Great. So I call him about an hour before the date just to make sure we are still on. Because I don't want to shower/dress/put make-up on for nothing. So I call and the guy sounds SHOCKED that I'm calling.

Hi, are we still on for tonight?

Yes, I'll call you when I get to your building. (said with the attitude of 'bitch, why are you calling me???)

So the phone rings. I check myself out in the mirror before I leave and l'm looking hot. I hope this date goes well!

I step out of the elevator and into the lobby. I see an obese, middle-aged man with hair plugs smiling at me. That can't be him. Please God that can't be him. I look around the lobby. I look outside. I panic. There is no one else around. This must be him. I want to die. Why. Why would someone set me up with THIS?? What do they think of me? Do I have delusions of grandeur--am I really on the same level as this guy? Am I fat, old, and bald? I hope not...



Anyway, he asks me if I'd like to go to the Dive Bar. Perfect. Just 1 block away from my building, we'll have one drink and call it a night. As we're walking there I'm thinking if there was any way for me to have gotten out of this once I saw this guy in the lobby? I can't think of anything...Looks like I'm stuck with this guy for he next hour.

We walk into the bar. This could be one of my delusions, but I people checking me out, then looking at my date, looking back at me, wondering WHY/HOW. Anyway, Dive Bar is packed. There is one table for two left, and its adjacent to the pool table. However, there is not enough room for my date to sit in his chair because his gut is getting in the way. We move the table back 3 times. Still not enough room. Finally he says 'I'm a big guy' (Duh?) and we move it back again. He fits in, with his stomach still grazing the table. I am now practically IN the pool table, and I have to watch out for pool cues near my face/head.


He tells me he is going to order a fruity, German beer. The drinks come, he takes a sip, and asks me if I want to try it. Nooooooo....Hell no! Is this guy nuts?

My date is the kind of guy who talks to you with his eyes closed when he is in deep thought (deep thought=telling me what he had for lunch that day). I once had a professor like that, but I have never met a guy under 50 with this habit. Can you say STRANGE. We play Jewish geography. He knows all of my friend's siblings who are 10 years older than me. He is so creepy. He tells me that he doesn't have a Kosher kitchen and eats meat out. Eats meat out?? Doesn't that just mean you DON'T KEEP KOSHER??? He's telling me how he goes to a bar near his office for lunch and gets a beer (fruity German?) and a burger with fries. I am getting nauseas. Forget about Kosher, who eats a burger from a bar? I almost get hit in the eye with a pool cue. Its time to go home.

The waitress comes over and asks if we want any more drinks. I say no. He says no (first smart thing he says all night!). He says he is going to the bathroom. He comes back and says 'lets go for a walk'. I imagine a walk TO MY APT. He puts on his jacket and starts making his way to the front of the bar. I take a little more time, putting on my scarf, hat, jacket, getting my bag. I meet him at the front, and he walks me back to my apartment.

I run into my lobby. Home sweet home! I am collecting packages from my doorman when my cell phone rings. Its my date. Is he for real? He must be calling by mistake. I pick up the phone out of sheer shock and curiosity:

Hello?

Hi, I have to tell you something, I think you would find it very amusing.

OK...What

Well, I totally skipped out on that bill at the Dive Bar?

WHAT?? What do you mean?

I mean I didn't pay the bill. I totally forgot. Isn't that funny???

NO! Not funny...Did you go back to pay them?

Na, I'm almost home already. I go there a lot, I'll get them next time.

OK...Great

I just thought you'd appreciate that.

Uh Huh...OK thanks for letting me know

OK bye

Bye.


I can't believe it. Never in my life. Not only do you skip out on the bill, but you call me to BRAG about it. What is it about me that led you to believe I would appreciate that sort of thing? Insane.

I e-mail my friend the next day. I thank her for setting me up but alas he is certainly 'not for me'. And I think that's the end of it.

But a few days later he calls. I again pick up the phone out of sheer shock/curiosity and this time horror:

Hello

Hi how are you?

Good...How are you? (WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME??!!)

I am good...I am setting up for a party right now I'm throwing for a friend

Great (I didn't really want to know how you are!)

How was your weekend?

Fine how was yours?

Good. What you do?

(I can't possibly be manipulated in to telling this guy what I did this weekend can I?) Look, I gotta go.

OK, give me a call later.

(WHAT???) OK, is there something specific you want to discuss?

Yeah, I want to know if you want to go out again.

No...I don't think so.

OK bye.

BYE!!!


NEVER AGAIN!!!!!

One Eyed Willie Strikes Again

This is an update to today's earlier post. I was eating a leisurely lunch today while reading the AMny- the poor people's paper of choice- and I had a revelation. I am officially quitting my day job and becoming a writer at large for AMny. First of all I have always thought this might be a good idea because they either get all their stories from the AP or have high school students write persuasive essays- I mean articles- and then paste them together in a slapdash way to create a newspaper. But, I digress. On the entertainment page- my favorite page- there today were 2 separate pictures of 2 aforementioned celebs at Fashion Week. One was Mr. Alec Baldwin and one was none other than Ms. Martha- how am I still making it into papers-Plimpton. How crazy?

That's what I said- Booby Trap!

Well- we do have readers!!!! As promised I have reader celebrity sightings.
Amanda saw Chad Lowe in Whole Foods. She seems to think that is not all that exciting. I beg to differ. Amanda- maybe you don't know this about Hollywood but when you announce you are getting divorced your celebrity status rises 100 points! So therefore this was a big one.
Akira also sees Alec pretty often and claims to have seen Martha Plimpton. For all those unaware she is the ugly girl from Goonies. I too have seen Martha a few times. My friends once saw her at a cafe and decided to go up to her because what child of the 80's didn't watch Goonies a million times a year. But they said that Martha was not very nice- I think they even used the "B" word. She apparently rolled her eyes at them and told them to go away. Um... Martha if I were you I would appreciate any recognition I could get. I mean the only thing I have seen you in is Beautiful Girls and you weren't looking too good.
Late addition. Naomi saw Jaromir Jagr of Pittsburgh Penguin- now Ranger- fame.
I quote Naomi's e-mail- "relay this.....Jaromir Jagr-(seen at whiskey park sat night feb 4th.....i have a few choice words for him, but this is my work account- not so appropriate."

Good Things- Mazel Mazel!

I am adding a new section to our blog. Celebrity sightings. I will post who I have seen and I am taking sightings from readers and I will post those too. Extra bonus points if you get a picture.
So this week I saw this guy.

This is the husband from "The Comeback."

In addition I saw my favorite celebrity sighting celebrity this week. Yep, MR. ALEC BALDWIN. He must live in my neighborhood because that is the 2nd time I have seen him in the past few months. And let me tell you Alec has gotten rid of the bloat. Lookin' good Alec.


S

Rashes to Rashes

I am writing this post with my face afire. No, I am not a burn victim (although I look like one after a lip/eyebrow wax). I am an unfortunate Tide with Bleach Alternative customer. A FORMER customer.

It all started one day at Bed Bath & Beyond (or as my stepdad calls it, Bed Bath & Double-talk). Anyway, I was there because my housekeeper gave me a list of things to buy her. The first thing on the list was 'new mop head' (mop smells). She actually wrote out 'mop smells' parenthetically!! When your housekeeper starts using parentheses and the word 'smells' in the same line, you know you're in trouble.

I decided to go all out and buy a new mop, bucket, broom, dustpan (I loved being dustpan in camp--not a hard job and a good shower number). I even bought a dustbuster. What the hell, I had about 45 minutes to kill before my movie started (Capote--amazing) so I had a little shopping spree. When you're in Bed Bath & Beyond, you suddenly BELIEVE you need EVERYTHING in the store. Its dangerous I tell ya. Cause the next thing I reached for was the TIDE WITH BLEACH ALTERNATIVE ....Dun dun dun. Never mind that I had just bought a big 'Tide Free' from associated for $18.99 (is that expensive?). Doesn't matter because I am standing there thinking 'Bleach Alternative, GREAT'. Like I even know what that means!! I finish my shopping, 157 dollars later and I am watching Capote and I don't give the detergent a second thought.



Until...Friday night. I am at OZ. Rabbi Schwartz is totally violating the HIPPA rights of a 10 yr old girl who is sick, saying her name and giving details of her decline. He is also admittingly violating halacha by calling for a special mishabarach and tehilim on Friday night. I am starting to itch. I look down at my chest I am broken out in hives. I am upset by the speech but this is crazy. Could it be the detergent?

I show off my chest rash at Shabbos lunch. I postulate that it could be related to detergent. People are bored. I talk up my blog.

On Sunday I go to the museum with my family. My mom says my cheeks are pink and is that sun-poisoning on my chest? No Mom I think its from detergent! 'Well you should be careful, wash all your things' 'OK Mom, thanks!'

Except....I ignore Mom. And then I wake up Monday morning with a red face. And it hurts. It tingles. It burns. It itches. I am aware of my face every second. I'm scared--my beautiful face!! Must get to doctor.

My Doctor is not around so I see someone else. He is about 85. An octagerian...Great. He is so sweet. He prescribes Cutivate lotion. He says I will be better in 1-2 days. Thanks Doc!

Except....I am getting worse. Much worse. I cry myself to sleep. Seriously.

So I go to the doctor again today. ANOTHER doctor. And I wait over an hour in the waiting room. And I am crying. Hysterically. I nice couple sit down across from me but get up and MOVE once they realize I am having a breakdown. Thanks for the compassion guys!!

I am finally taken in to the exam room. I have to control myself so hard just to explain to the Fellow what is going on with me. She gets the doctor. He says he would have given me the same lotion because it is good for rashes and doesn't cause acne. Thank god because by now I was SURE my octagerian was senile and poisoned me. Pfew! But, he says, it can cause stinging. I think that is the understatement of the year, but no matter good doctor, CURE ME!!

He sends the Fellow to get me samples of very soothing cream. He tells me to rub in the new cream. Relief!! THANK YOU. He says I will be all better by Monday. Dr. Lebwohl--YOU ARE A GENIUS.

I am still recovering so if you see me...I will be the one with the red cheeks :)



S